It’s ironic that in a society where sex isn’t taboo, gender roles aren’t enforced, and fetishes are openly enjoyed, Chris still feels the need to hide some aspects of himself.
He begins to write.
I Wish I Was a Carefree Girl
Growing up outside the vault, I was forced to be a man because I had a penis. But all I ever wanted was to be a girl. Or specifically a submissive girl. To live without worries, and have a strong dominant lover take care of me, and make love to me day in and day out.
But I was a boy and had a penis, so I had to be responsible and manly and practical. But that was not who I am inside.
I would fantasize about being young and naked and exposed, giving my body to my lover to enjoy. A sexual receptacle to someone I loved and trusted. I didn’t want to initiate sex. I wanted to be the sexual object that called out for sex. Use me, love me, pleasure me, give me an orgasm. I wanted to be sex and love and intimacy itself.
Back then, it was not socially acceptable for a woman to think that way, much less a man. But that is what I fantasized about. I wanted to be a submissive girl, and that was the nature I was born with.
But I had a penis instead of a vagina.
I wanted to make babies, and not have to work, and to have sex everyday. I wanted to not have to worry or make the decisions or even have to think about things I didn’t want to think about. I wanted to be taken care of, married off at the age of consent to a loving caring man, and gotten pregnant right away. No birth control either. Just barefoot and pregnant is what I wanted to be, with some maids and wet nurses to help me with the children.
Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t want to be lazy or stupid. I just wanted to give into my true feminine nature and the urge to reproduce. I’d still have my hobbies and projects and things to occupy my mind. I do love creating and writing and building websites. And I still wanted to contribute to the world and make it a better place. I just didn’t want to have to worry about the adult stuff. I wanted the innocence and carefree nature of a child, but the sexuality of a full grown woman.
But I have a penis instead of a vagina.
So I am a man.
He stares at the submit button before he posts it to a personal journal on the colony intranet, under a pen name, of course.
There was once a time when he wanted this. And now he lives in, well actually created, a society where he could actually live that way if he wanted to. Except for the getting pregnant part. But it’s too late now. He’s already settled into his dominant role both sexually and in leading the colony. There is no turning back now. When he was younger, he would have gladly submitted to a more dominant lover. Now, he won’t submit to anyone, in bed or otherwise.
Perhaps that is because of his upbringing before the vault where men were supposed to be men, or perhaps it’s because he’s had his heart broken so many times, or perhaps it’s because he has missed so many opportunities for sex because he didn’t take the initiative, or maybe because if he didn’t become the leader and create all of this, no one would.
Either way, all he can do now is fulfill other people’s fantasies of being a submissive girl or whatever they want to be, because for him, that moment has passed.
He looks over the piece once more, and submits.