Wondering if 2009 Really Be Different

I know that 2009 is going to be different from other years, and things will be much better than 2008.  But at the same time I wonder if the same habits I am trying to break for years will keep cropping back in 2009.  The same habits that have been holding me back.

Successful Exterior & Troubled Interior

It is interesting how, in many ways, we all lead a double life.  On one side is the public self that we show to others, and then there is the self that is who we really are.  In my case, while I try to project a sense of calm and successul on the outside, I am actually stressed out and troubled on the inside, worried about the future and worred about whether I will succeed or fail.

And what is really interesting is that you can be authentic in both realms, and still have to lives.  This is done simply by limiting what you say publicly, while not lying.  Omission of the unpleasent truths, while you play up the pleasent or beneficial ones.

In this blog I think I shall be showing some of that vulnerable underbelly that I normally keep hidden away.  An experiment in being open.  An experiment in whether people will like and respect you even when you are not perfect.

Getting Out More

This year I think that I definitely need to get out more.  I am working her all alone at home, rarely seeing anyone and hibernating away.  I suppose a lot of that has to do with my tendancy to hide away from people when times are rough, instead of talking to people.  When things are going well, I am very social.  If I disappear, you know something is wrong.  And the longer I disappear, the more wrong things are.  And 2008 was a very rough year for me.

So that is one resolution that I have this year, to socialize and get out more.  I think it will help a lot.

Going Through All This Work Just to Become Shy

I just dusted off and upgraded my blog that I have not posted to in a long time, and now that I am ready to post my first post, I clam up and become shy, not knowing what to say.  I suppose I really have a lot of things to say, but am not sure how much to say or what to say first.

I’ve upgraded to WordPress 2.7 and moved all my old posts over to the new blog, even properly dating them.  And now I suppose that I should start blogging again.

I guess I should start by thinking about what I want to accomplish with this blog.  Where I want to go with it and who do Iwant to be and how much do I want to reveal.

I think the best thing to do is to define what I want to accomplish first.  I would like this blog to:

• Be an expression of myself that I feel I cannot express elsewhere.
• Allow myself to be open and free in what I want to say and not hide and be afraid of speaking.
• Show the real side of me, and my struggles, so that others can be inspired.

And then, of course, is the question on whether or not I should even do this under my own name.

And perhaps posting all this would be some good thearapy for myself as well, and hopefully it will help others.

Amazing.  I am so shy and yet you have no idea who I am.  Although I am deftly afraid you may figure it out.

Just some random ramblings about someone who you don’t know and probably don’t care about.