And what is really interesting is that you can be authentic in both realms, and still have to lives.  This is done simply by limiting what you say publicly, while not lying.  Omission of the unpleasent truths, while you play up the pleasent or beneficial ones.

In this blog I think I shall be showing some of that vulnerable underbelly that I normally keep hidden away.  An experiment in being open.  An experiment in whether people will like and respect you even when you are not perfect.

So that is one resolution that I have this year, to socialize and get out more.  I think it will help a lot.

I’ve upgraded to WordPress 2.7 and moved all my old posts over to the new blog, even properly dating them.  And now I suppose that I should start blogging again.

I guess I should start by thinking about what I want to accomplish with this blog.  Where I want to go with it and who do Iwant to be and how much do I want to reveal.

I think the best thing to do is to define what I want to accomplish first.  I would like this blog to:

• Be an expression of myself that I feel I cannot express elsewhere.
• Allow myself to be open and free in what I want to say and not hide and be afraid of speaking.
• Show the real side of me, and my struggles, so that others can be inspired.

And then, of course, is the question on whether or not I should even do this under my own name.

And perhaps posting all this would be some good thearapy for myself as well, and hopefully it will help others.

Amazing.  I am so shy and yet you have no idea who I am.  Although I am deftly afraid you may figure it out.

Just some random ramblings about someone who you don’t know and probably don’t care about.

Here I am staring at a blank page, thinking about what to write. It is so easy to write about the good times and the insights, but it is so hard to write about the rough times. Part of it, I suppose, is not wanting to show your weak side, your failures, and your your lack of hope. Part of it, is probably not wanting to look at the issues and face the music.

Half of me wants to share my pain with the world, and the other half of me wants to curl up in a ball and hide from the world forever.

On one hand it feels good to let it out. It also helps clarify things in my head as I write them. Sometimes I will say one thing, and after it comes out, I realize what I just said, and realize that is not what I really meant. Which makes me afraid to share, because sometimes I surprise myself with what comes out of my mouth. Sometimes it is brilliant, and sometimes what I say sounds bad, and sometimes it does not come out right at all.

And the question always becomes, how much shall I share. For that question, I think I shall sleep on it. At least for now.

Someone recently asked me if I was still growing or not.

I lied and said yes… but inside I was saying no.

I really have not been growing. I am stale, stuck where I am, able to do much of what I currently do with my eyes closed.

I try to rationalize myself and say that I am growing, just very slowly. And it is true that over that past year I have made great strides. But am I growing now?

Not really.

I am not pushing myself to the limit. I am not trying new things. I am stagnant.

Where is that MBA and Ph.D. I have always been talking about. Where is the business I used to have but now don’t run? Where is the non-profit that I abortively started in 2004?

Nowhere to be seen. Just pieces and fragments… reminders of the past that is incomplete.

True, I have had many hard times. I was laid off. I got sick and couldn’t work for 8 months. I was homeless for awhile, briefly living in my car, then at friends, and then when even my friends turned me out, sleeping in an office that someone let me use for business, they not knowing I was sleeping there at night, showering and changing daily at the tennis courts at the city park.

Being down to my last dollar and spending it for food.

I have had my struggles in the past 7 years. I have come a long way since then. And I have had to grow and adapt just to survive.

But am I growing now?

No.

And perhaps its time I start.

Its interesting starting a new blog or a new writing project. You do not know where to begin because there is so much to say.

I guess I should start with the motivations behind this blog and why I am posting this in the first place.

Time is moving too fast. I am nearly 35 and I have done nothing that I wanted to do. I know its a little early for a mid-life crisis. Either that or I am a really late bloomer. But either way, I am seeing that I have not done one thing I have always dreamed of doing.

To give myself some credit, in the past year I have made many changes, but I think it is about time to make some more.

One of the things that I know myself to be is a teacher. I enjoy teaching. I enjoy helping people grow and develop. I enjoy learning. And in the past several years, I have even stopped doing that.

I also know myself as a writer. This is something that I have not always known. This is something I have discovered after making many forum and blog posts and seeing how people interact with what I have posted. I was even invited to become a writer on one blog because my comments to their posts were as long and as detailed as their blog posts where.

I also want to do something that makes a positive difference in the world. Not just on a small scale, but a large scale. I am not sure what that is going to look like, but I would like to find out.

And there are many many other things that I want to do.

This blog is the beginning of a journey into greatness… but it is not a journey for greatness. What I mean by that is that I am not doing it for the glory. In fact, if I can change the world without being known, that would be all the better. I don’t want fame or glory, but I do want to make a difference. And one thing that I am finding is that the only way to do that is to talk to people… to get out there and interact with people, either in person or the internet. And if I want to do it on a large scale, all the more people I have to interact with.

This blog is mostly about my personal journey. Hopefully later as I achieve more things, I will be able to tell you about some book I wrote or other great things I did.

Mostly you are going to read about the soul searching and insights and breakdowns and breakthroughs that I will have on my way to living life powerfully and living a life I love… as well as my ideas on how the world can be a better place.

And so the journey begins….